Don’t you just hate when you do your makeup for church, and then cry it all off as soon as you walk in because of an anxiety attack? That is exactly what happened to me yesterday. What a way to end the year! Right in the middle of worship. I’m sure everyone around me assumed I was overwhelmed with praise, but I was actually overtaken by a wave of emotions brought on by luggage that hadn’t been unpacked from visiting family for Christmas. I know, it sounds stupid, right? And it really is, now that I think about it…but when you’re dealing with a mental illness, it’s difficult to get your brain to think logically, when your body is in full panic mode.
After my last post, I promised I’d keep you updated, and before yesterday, I can say that my depression has gotten better. First, I have to express my sincere appreciation for those of you who have reached out to me, and shown your support. I’m grateful to be able to share my good and not-so good moments with you. As always, I hope at least one person is blessed by my transparency. At my latest doctor’s visit, I learned about Perinatal Depression. Which is basically a combination of prenatal depression and postpartum depression. Considering that my son just turned 12 months, and I’m almost 6 months pregnant with my second (it’s another boy!), it makes sense. Trying to juggle motherhood, marriage and a career is hard enough, and with any form of depression or anxiety, it can seem impossible. Although learning about what’s causing my depression hasn’t gotten rid of it, it has helped me cope by understanding that what I’m feeling is not my fault, and that I will be ok. I’m slowly gaining back control over my emotions and discovering ways to take the magnifying glass off of the small every-day issues in life. It’s a process.
Even with this realization, I haven’t been to my church in a while. In fact, yesterday was the first time I’ve been in a couple months. It’s not that I have been mad at God or don’t believe in his word anymore. I just needed a break. After the emotional roller-coaster of a year I’ve had, I just couldn’t drag myself to church to play the “Happy Christian” role on Sundays. I needed to find my way back to God on my own, in my own way, and to be honest, that is something I’m still working on. When it’s all said and done, I’m still convinced that everything I’m going through is going to work out in my favor, for His glory.
My 2018 has been challenging, to say the least. Although I had some really great moments, I cried A LOT. I felt the farthest from God than I ever have, and was left with way more questions than answers. My faith was tested over and over, and I’m pretty sure I failed the test more than once. However, I’m still here. Still believing, still hoping, still trying, still praying. I’m getting better and that’s all that I can ask for. That’s all that matters.
Here’s to a greater, more prosperous, and most blessed new year. Happy 2019!