I’m Depressed

I’m not depressed. I’m the encouraging friend. I’m the coworker who is always smiling. I’m the woman who is full of inspiration and positivity. I have a whole blog dedicated to it! There’s no way I can be depressed. At least, that’s what I try to tell myself.

How in the world can I be blessed with everything I’ve ever wanted , and still not be happy? It makes zero sense. Unfortunately, right now that’s my reality. After becoming a wife and a mother this past year, I’ve felt like I’ve been living my best life and my worst life simultaneously. On one hand, I have everything I’ve ever prayed for, a family. On the other, I’ve been hit with a storm I didn’t see coming; A storm full of financial hardship, anxiety, fear, doubt, and guilt.

Every day is a challenge for me now. I have to fight my way through the wave of emotions to enjoy my life, my husband, and my son. I have to constantly push through the thought of all of the late and unpaid bills just to go to a job that doesn’t pay enough to take care of them. I have to shut down the negative voices in the back of my mind so I can pray and believe in God for a breakthrough. On top of all of this, I have to encourage my husband and remind him that his dream is real. That he is gifted and although he’s gone through 3 NFL camps with no contract, God still has a plan for him and his work is not in vain. Some days are easier than others. Some days are harder.

I’m literally stuck between faith and reality. I’ve never doubted God until now. I’ve always felt like I could overcome anything until now. I thought I would make a great wife and mom until now. It’s hard, because I know my family has been set apart and called for something greater; Maybe it’s not football or blogging, or writing…But even with college degrees we just can’t seem to find our way. I honestly don’t know what I’m going through or how to express it in a way that people can understand. All I know is I’m not ok. I’m not fine. I’m depressed and I’m tired.

Deep in my heart, I know this is temporary; the stress, the depression, the financial burden on my family. I know God will come through, eventually. But that belief doesn’t pay for prenatal care for the new baby we’ll be welcoming in May. It doesn’t buy Karter winter clothes. It doesn’t buy his birthday or Christmas gifts and it won’t pay our rent next month. As I try to release all of this anxiety, I still have to deal with reality. I still have to leave my son 5 days a week and deal with the guilt of being a working mom. I still have to lie to people who ask, “Why didn’t you take maternity pictures?.” I just say I didn’t have the time, when I really didn’t have the money. I still have to find a way to move this mountain that I’ve been speaking to like the Bible says to, but it won’t budge. And most painfully, I still have to deal with the silence from God. Because although I’ve been praying for a breakthrough, direction, change, anything…I get no response.

I know this post is all over the place, and far my my usual uplifting stories. However, this is me being as transparent as I know how. This is Jamie, depressed. I hope to update you as God transforms me and my situation. And I hope you’ll pray for me in the meantime.

XOXO -Jamie Rachelle

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22 thoughts on “I’m Depressed

  1. Jasmin says:

    This was beautiful. We don’t always need uplifting you… you not being ok is okay. Im in the exact same space. I don’t have my own little family yet, so I can only imagine. Be gracious with yourself as I am currently fighting depression as well. My faith has always been unshakable. Even now, Im telling myself it is. Im fighting sis… you keep fighting. Find little pockets of peace and work that peace regimen during this season. Sit still and watch God work. I will pray for you tonight. Your family as well. The toughest job is being a mother. Keep pushing.

    -Jas

  2. Karen says:

    I love this. I admire you for being so open about your situation. I’m going through a lot of hardships myself. My baby has honestly been my blessing and motivation through it all. Storms are only temporary.. Please stay encouraged and remember that the sun always comes out again. ❤️

  3. Brook says:

    No, this is not one of your typical, uplifting posts.. but I still found the beauty in it!

    You took the time to share something so personal, and while depression is a topic that we shy away from; it is a discussion that needs to be had! We are all fighting battles.. and I thank you for being transparent with yours. You are helping me come to reality with my own little battles.

    I’ve only been in your presence once or twice but you seem like such a sweet girl.

    “Faith It Til You Make It!”
    Keep that faith, Jamie!

    P.s. I will be praying for you!
    Love, Brook

  4. Maylee says:

    Wow. Thanks for being so open. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone there are others. Stay strong God will provide
    Xoxo Maylee

  5. Tempest says:

    Jamie!!!! I went through the exact same thing. I mean the exact same. My son is 15 months old and my husband just found a job in his field. It was very hard for us just living off my teacher salary, bills being late, maxing out my credit cards, trying not to have to ask people for money, feeling bad when I had to anyway. On top of the fact that I was a first time mom and wife and still a new teacher. It’s still frustrating now because even though he has a great job and our income has doubled it doesn’t feel like it yet because we are playing catch up and trying to get out of all the debt we created just trying to survive. Also I don’t even like teaching. I mean it’s okay but I’m at year 3 and I know it’s not for me. Do I go back to school and put my family back in financial hardship…. or do I stay in a field I don’t like for the financial security?? I know I just wrote my whole life story but I just want you to know you’re not alone. There is someone out there that knows how you feel and can tell you it’s okay , your feelings are normal and it’ll get better. Xoxoxo

  6. Chelsea Walker says:

    Being open is something that I enjoy when it comes to reading blogs. I thoroughly enjoyed it because a lot of folks don’t like to discuss the hard times. The hard times allows us to see things as normal in a way because we all go through them! Keep fighting and pushing.! Your joy and fulfillment is coming! Count the blessings and thank him because JOY IS COMING💓

  7. Destyni says:

    Thank you for your strength & sharing your heart. As you’re healing you’re inspiring others to do the same. I’m praying for you & your family, the next blessing is so big, you just wait! (I have to remind myself as well trust me) ♥️🙏🏾♥️

  8. Carman Morice says:

    Jamie, you and I have never met. I am your step father, Dennis’ cousin. You are such an inspiration and a sweet soul. God has blessed you with a beautiful heart. And He has blessed you with a wonderful husband and a bless filled son. Karter is such a cutie! God is always with you! Always has been and always will be. Hang in there. You are also blessed to have a wonderful mom and Dennis. God can sure pick ‘em!!! You have touched many lives. And will continue to do so. You’re a blessing- to be blessed. Just remember the teacher is always silent during the test, but He knows what you’re going through and He WILL bring you through it! I hope we meet someday. In the meantime I’ll be praying for you! God made you an amazing woman!!! Much love dear!

  9. Jenina Wallace says:

    As a single Mom I have been there. Just pray, keep the faith even when it gets tough, it gets better. Everything is a test and a blessing. God works on his time not ours, but never question God. It’s okay, don’t beat yourself up about life, just care of things one day at a time. Remember that song “One day at a time” You have prayed to him about it and that’s all you can do, have faith leave it to him when it’s too big for us. He said according to his words that he will not leave you or forsake you. I am praying for you that things get better for you and Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Thanks for being transparent, your story has helped me and I am sure many others. You got this❤️❤️

  10. Katherine says:

    I want you to know you are not alone in this . I am in the same place and have been for awhile now . I do it all every day , no it’s not all bad there are good times but a lot of the times I fake the laughter and the joy …. just to see my family thrive in it . I pray , go to church , I’ll admit I’m not faithful in reading the Bible but with a 40 hour week of work and house work on top I fall asleep when I try . I don’t have any advice on this but other than you are not alone and maybe just knowing that will give you the strength and courage to keep on trying and that each day is anew day

  11. Anshanetta Turner says:

    I know exactly how you feel cause i feel the same way you do. I’m going through the exact same thing and i have been depressed and stressed. We gone make it through sooner or later

  12. marybrown2005 says:

    Dear God,

    I pray that you continue to transform her mind by renewing her thought process. Provide her with whatever kind of mania she needs in her life rather it’s clothes, encourage, or financial help. Be there to cover and strengthen her family and marriage. We know it’s only you who can help us be calm in a storm and that’s the very thing I’m asking for her. We love you and give you all the praises Lord. Amen.

  13. Keana Wright says:

    I really needed to read this and can assure that you’re not alone. I commend you for even talking about it. A lot of people are facing depression due to varies reason and are in denial. I believe the first step is to admit that something isn’t right; self awareness is necessary. I pray that you and whoever else that’s battling with depression (myself included) finds a breakthrough and a peace of mind!

  14. Chanelle Briggs says:

    You are not alone! I haven’t been able to explain my feelings or the constant weight spiritually I have been carrying. You put it into words for me… thank you. At this point I pray for you and your husband just like I have been for my family. We will look back on this and see that he has been carrying us the whole time. Even though we don’t understand his grace is sufficient for us.

  15. mrsjalissacarter says:

    Praying that since this blog post that your spirit has been uplifted. God is going to pave the way for you. Keep your head up & bask in the blessings . I am believing & agreeing with you for open doors & financial breakthroughs!
    ♡♡♡

  16. Buffy Anissa says:

    Spiritual warfare is not easy. My prayer is that God grants you His peace that surpasses our understanding, answers your prayers, and brings you and your family safely through this difficult season. 😗🙏👐

  17. oprahzipbradford says:

    My prayers are with you and your family Jamie. To a blogger for another blogger, I’ve been following you for the longest and you’re such an inspiration! This blog hit home because I just wrote a piece about depression myself. It’s very real! I pray you find healing and strength through this season you’re going through. God already has you and your family covered. It’s already done!

  18. ReJean says:

    This is one of most genuine ones I’ve read. I’ve struggled with depression since I was halfway through my pregnancy with my now 2 year old. Even though we know it’s temporary, the feelings don’t feel like it. Temporary can last a long time. I wish more people were honest about depression and just how real it is. There’s no need to be embarrassed.

  19. Miss Williams says:

    Jamie, I want to write a long letter commending you on your honesty and courage to keep fighting but I feel as if all you truly need right now is prayer so I will continue to pray for you until you update us with a breakthrough. I am so sorry you are experiencing these emotions but please do not give up because I know things will get better. Thank you so much for sharing and Trust me you are alone…..

  20. Pearl says:

    I am so proud of your happiness. I’m not sure if everyone experienced the same at some point, but I’m pretty sure God is there watching you. He never leaves his children alone. You probably can’t feel Him right now, but one day He will surely do something in your life. You’ll get through this. Just don’t give up! 🙂

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