I’m not depressed. I’m the encouraging friend. I’m the coworker who is always smiling. I’m the woman who is full of inspiration and positivity. I have a whole blog dedicated to it! There’s no way I can be depressed. At least, that’s what I try to tell myself.
How in the world can I be blessed with everything I’ve ever wanted , and still not be happy? It makes zero sense. Unfortunately, right now that’s my reality. After becoming a wife and a mother this past year, I’ve felt like I’ve been living my best life and my worst life simultaneously. On one hand, I have everything I’ve ever prayed for, a family. On the other, I’ve been hit with a storm I didn’t see coming; A storm full of financial hardship, anxiety, fear, doubt, and guilt.
Every day is a challenge for me now. I have to fight my way through the wave of emotions to enjoy my life, my husband, and my son. I have to constantly push through the thought of all of the late and unpaid bills just to go to a job that doesn’t pay enough to take care of them. I have to shut down the negative voices in the back of my mind so I can pray and believe in God for a breakthrough. On top of all of this, I have to encourage my husband and remind him that his dream is real. That he is gifted and although he’s gone through 3 NFL camps with no contract, God still has a plan for him and his work is not in vain. Some days are easier than others. Some days are harder.
I’m literally stuck between faith and reality. I’ve never doubted God until now. I’ve always felt like I could overcome anything until now. I thought I would make a great wife and mom until now. It’s hard, because I know my family has been set apart and called for something greater; Maybe it’s not football or blogging, or writing…But even with college degrees we just can’t seem to find our way. I honestly don’t know what I’m going through or how to express it in a way that people can understand. All I know is I’m not ok. I’m not fine. I’m depressed and I’m tired.
Deep in my heart, I know this is temporary; the stress, the depression, the financial burden on my family. I know God will come through, eventually. But that belief doesn’t pay for prenatal care for the new baby we’ll be welcoming in May. It doesn’t buy Karter winter clothes. It doesn’t buy his birthday or Christmas gifts and it won’t pay our rent next month. As I try to release all of this anxiety, I still have to deal with reality. I still have to leave my son 5 days a week and deal with the guilt of being a working mom. I still have to lie to people who ask, “Why didn’t you take maternity pictures?.” I just say I didn’t have the time, when I really didn’t have the money. I still have to find a way to move this mountain that I’ve been speaking to like the Bible says to, but it won’t budge. And most painfully, I still have to deal with the silence from God. Because although I’ve been praying for a breakthrough, direction, change, anything…I get no response.
I know this post is all over the place, and far my my usual uplifting stories. However, this is me being as transparent as I know how. This is Jamie, depressed. I hope to update you as God transforms me and my situation. And I hope you’ll pray for me in the meantime.
XOXO -Jamie Rachelle