Yesterday was my 27th birthday, and I kept getting congratulated on everything that has happened recently. So much has changed in my life since my last blog post. I’ve been married for a month now and my husband and I are expecting a baby before the end of the year. People keep saying, “You’re having such an eventful year! Lucky you!” If I’m being honest, I don’t feel so lucky. So may unpleasant, unexpected things have occurred in my life that have made it hard for me to believe in the good things that happen. I have a husband. I have a precious baby on the way, and for the past month all I could think is that I don’t deserve this.
On one hand, I really don’t deserve it. I didn’t earn the right to have a happy life no more than anyone else has. God’s grace is they only reason I’m blessed. On the other hand, I do deserve it. I have just as much of a right as anyone else to pursue my dreams and goals in life and watch them come true.
So why do I feel this way?
I feel a little guilty that I’m finally living out my desire to have a family. I’ve been an encourager to those who desire these things and don’t have them yet. Now that I have this, I want everyone else to have it too. I also want to share my joy, but I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging or boasting about it.
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. –Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
Although no one has brought this up to me personally, I conceived my baby before my marriage. As a Christian, I admit I feel ashamed. Although I know God forgives me, and I’m overwhelmingly grateful for this gift, I just don’t want to taint his message because I, a messenger, am tainted.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. –1 John 1:9 ESV
It’s still kind of hard to believe that after all I’ve been through in my life, I’m finally starting to get everything I prayed for. I’m so far from perfect, and it’s hard for me to accept God’s favor sometimes.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. –Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
I know this is a lot of personal feelings for one post, but one thing I have learned as a blogger is that I am not alone in my transparency. I know someone who is reading this feels or has felt this way at one time. So, here comes the encouragement:
YOU DESERVE THIS. Even if you’ve never experienced it like this before, even if you have made bad decisions in your past, even if you know someone who seemingly deserves it more, even if no one else is happy for you. Reject those feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness. You are blessed. YOU DESERVE THIS. Receive it, own it and be grateful for it. Life is full of so much hardship, that it would be a shame if we didn’t take advantage of the moments when awesome things happen. I’m going to enjoy this season of my life and share my joy with everyone I can.
We prayed for this. God answered. Let’s thank him by celebrating. 🙂
Give thanks to the Lord, call upon his name, make known his deeds among the peoples, proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth.-Isaiah 12:4-5